I Fall Apart
by OhParadise
Summary: The ramblings of a heartbroken Tobias Eaton.


**_Tobias_**

She told me that I wasn't enough. Oh I fall apart.

She broke me, left me scarred. So many thoughts run through my mind. Take this shot like it's my last. Sinking the cold liquid down my throat. A nice bourbon. Oh I fall apart.

Surprised when I was caught off guard. The hottest jewellery I bought. Harder than the liquor I pour. Tell me you don't want me no more. But I can't let go, can I?

I still want you. I can't picture myself without you. There can't be another, can there?

Didn't know before. You were the one, I thought. Oh I fucking fall apart.

Down to my core.

I'm like Sia. Want to swing from a Chandelier, do you see her? See her, Sia. Get it?

It's like the Devil and God are feuding inside of me. Need to decipher which I am. Climb out and find out there's a world beyond the girl, bro. That's what Zeke told me.

But man I took your advice and did the opposite. Always in a rush. Messed all this shit up, with you my girl. All I wanted was you, even from 4 years ago. Am I talking to myself? No, this cobbled street I walk is a fair reflection of my thoughts. I know you can't hear me anymore. It's so loud in my head, echoing words I should have said. Oh I regret so much. Oh I fall apart. The words I never said.

But this shit hurts so fucking hard, bro. I always thought we had something man but she ran away with him. Some other dude it should be not him. Some other man, how can I say this without breaking? Without taking. I can't put it down. This whole thought inside me is too much for my soul alone. I loved. I loved. I loved and lost her, man. This shit ain't fair man.

Why do I fight back the tears, when some other man gets to wipe hers when she's sad?

I think I just miss her. I just wish she could have tried me. I fall apart.

The passion I have is enough for anybody. She told me I wasn't good enough.

I wipe a tear from my eye and stop, looking up to the sky. I swig from the bottle of bourbon concealed in my jacket pocket, before I resume my walk and my empty thoughts.

What have I become? What have I become? What have I turned to?

Like no, no, no.

Didn't think it would hit this hard.

Just keep walking and walking and walking and walking.

And listen, you won't find your lover at a bar. I promise you that. Those places are full of people who flock to drink and drink and drink just to cover their memories, mask them with the cloudiness of the alcoholic bloom that shrouds the distant thoughts. I fall apart.

I just beg that I can find me. Me. The guy who doesn't need you. The girl who infiltrated my life, contaminated me with friendship. So pathetic, I've been. I'm lost, you strung me along unintentionally. Those nights you would show at my door, cuddling up to my naked chest on the couch in my apartment. Dream of the day you would find love, when I was determined to tell you that it was the thing you had your arms wrapped around. I'm thankful for those moments, but it hurts. The love that you gave was not reciprocated. I wish I never met you, you're the reason that I'm breaking. The reason I had a purpose.

I hope the life he gives you is fucking purpose.

I wish this was a nightmare, but why am I still standing right here?

Can't believe that I wasn't good enough to you. Won't believe I am not good enough for you.

Because I am a new person. I want to start anew. Find a girl who will love me for who I am. Love me for the broken, abused and tortured soul I see myself to be.

But I refuse to be like that anymore.

One day I will find a girl who, with just a kiss, will do better than any bar or alcohol. Her kiss will make me forget. Because I'm sick of falling apart. I do my best not to do so anymore, but with Zeke in the military, and you leaving with another man, I'm lost. Got nobody. Fooled. Stumped. You promised you wouldn't leave me.

I fall apart.

"Oh shit, excuse me" I rush the words from my mouth, as I run my shoulder into a small lady. She drops her books and spills a few drops of coffee over her hands, but judging by her reaction it has gone cold.

"My God, you scared me!" She says, breathless, as I pick her books up and tuck them under my arm.

"Here" I say, pulling out a pure white handkerchief, decorated with my nickname in a red font, with a rose next to it.

She takes it, wiping her hands and grimacing when she ruins the white materiel. "I'm sorry, this is ruined…" She murmurs.

"Don't apologise, it was my fault. I should be looking where I'm going" I force a smile, as she offers me the handkerchief back. "No, no please you can keep it. My apology gift"

"Thanks" She smiles, tucking it away in her back pocket.

"Have a nice day" I nod, and go to walk away.

"Wait" she says, touching an extended hand to my elbow. "Your eyes, they're bloodshot. Are you okay?" she asks, and it was only then when I looked upon her face.

Her eyes are beautiful. A shade of green that emeralds would envy. A blonde strand of hair falling loosely, falling just under her left eye. A woollen hat conceals the rest from me.

"Would you like to talk about it? Over a coffee, I think you owe me a new one" She lightly jokes.

"Umm… I don't even know your name" I say with a hint of confusion yet excitement.

"My name's Tris. Tris Prior" She smiles, the corners of her mouth producing dimples which drive my heart insane. She offers a hand, clean of coffee, and I take it and shake.

"Tobias Eaton. A pleasure to meet you, Tris" I smile. Genuinely this time.

I take the bottle of bourbon from my pocket, walk five feet to the nearest trashcan and toss it inside. Walking back over to her, I say "Please tell me you like something basic, like a latte. Don't think I could bring myself to order a ridiculous Starbucks combination."

As we begin walking, she turns and looks up to me "Don't be silly. It's all about that Cappuccino life"

* * *

 ** _Tris_**

I steady myself, walking stick in hand. Placing my right hand, rolled into a fist, on the stand. With my left, I shake when putting my glasses to my eyes. In front of his family and friends, our family and friends, I begin the eulogy. "Tobias Eaton lived to be 92 years old." My voice croaks. "We married in 2017, the year we met. I never looked back, nor did we. At the birth of our son, Zeke, he cried more than I did. The namesake of our baby, Zeke Pedrad, died serving his country just two months after delivering his best man speech at our wedding. Tobias knew he needed to do justice by him, and let his best friend's legacy live on through our son. That was the type of person he was. He felt he needed to do right by everybody. He was the bravest soul I ever had the pleasure of meeting, right until his final hours, where he refused to admit his fear before me. I don't know how I will cope without my husband. The love of my life. He even told me of the woman he loved. The woman who betrayed him, and he always told me of this betrayal being the best thing to ever happen to him, because he never would have bumped into me. Spilled my drink and knocked the books from my hands. I'd like to invite Zeke to continue the eulogy, by remembering his father." I thankfully choke up after I finish the sentence, and with the assistance from Zeke, he walks me down to the open casket of which my husband lies inside. I reveal the contents of my balled up right hand. The creased, coffee stained handkerchief with the number 4 sewn in the bottom right corner, alongside a gorgeous red rose. I take his hands, his fingers laced by the mortician, and place the second thing he ever gave me in his grasp. The first? He gave me butterflies.

* * *

 ** _Tobias_**

I fell apart.

And I don't know what it was about her.

Maybe she was good at jigsaws.

Because Tris always put me back together.


End file.
